On my way?

I got my results today for one of the 4 assignments I completed for my Law degree.
It was for the law of torts (the essay I collected today)
My mark? 77% ... which means I got a 1st. I should be ecstatic really... a lot of people are saying that I got the highest mark in my year group...

I find that very hard to believe...


I am happy that I got a 1st... that's the highest mark I could have got, but 77 just seems so shite. It's a whole 23% away from full marks!! I'd be happier if i got above 80 I think... means I could shove it in the face of my boyfriend's mom's friends shitty face.... we were out to dinner once, you see, and she complained 'coz her mark was 'the first she had got which was below 80'.

Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely woman, but she fucking irritates me... as does the mother in-law. She's just sooo patronizing! and she can never make up a mind as to an opinion on something. i always look 'fine' my grades are 'fine' everything is 'fine'... until it comes to herself, and she complains like merry hell, because she cleaaarrllyyyy has SUCH a difficult life. If she stopped wasting money on shit she doesn't need, and if she paid what she owed on time, we wouldn't be in this fucking mess. but no, nothing is ever her fault, unless she's on a guilt trip.

anyways, rant over. I don't feel much better for getting it off my chest... they say you're supposed to feel a sense of relief. i just feel exactly the same as i did before. but fuck it, i needed to rant.

7 weeks of perfect

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm back at uni today, which means I'll be in a busy, but set routine for 7 weeks until my next break :) It's going to be my personal goal to make sure I'm absolutley perfect throughout! By the end of the second semester, I will have completed my first year as a law undergraduate!!

My birthday's in May, so I'm aiming to be 105lbs by then... Not overrly long to do it, but it's achievable.

So my plan is going to be: eat as little as possible! Maximum 500 cals... And that will count as a binge! Do ballet training atleast twice a week... I want to be intermediate level by the time the next semester at the ballet school near me begins... And do uni work every single night... No exceptions! That way I'll have perfect grades and the perfect body!

I'm gonna get to work 10 minutes early every day, and workk as hard as I can so I can be the perfect member of staff too :)

Let's hope it works!!

Me right now :(

Completely unedited... Please excuse the fattness. This is what bulimia has done to me... particularly the bingeing. It's time to shift this weight, and get back to my beautiful bony body that I once had.

University: Semester Two... GO

So I'm back at uni tomorrow, after tooooo long spending time at home sitting on my arse, and gaining weight. It didn't help that during my assessments, bulimia really turned it's ugly head, and hit me full on - to the point where I'd even binge in front of my friends, and go and purge, no matter where I was, leaving me with a not-so-respectable, and all new high weight.

However, I'm fairly confident that with all these fuck ups, going back to uni will really, really get my arse in gear. I'll only have one day a week to myself, as I have work on the days that I'm not at uni.

So, the plan is to concentrate on getting the best grades possible at uni, being the best member of staff at work, and in any time I have left after work and revision, train myself in ballet, so when the ballet school near me starts it's next semester... which is in quite a few months time... I'll be at intermediate level, so I can jump straight into decent training :].

The aim, therefore, is to lose as much weight as I can, as fast as I can (obviously) and be perfect!!

Black Swan

I went to watch Black Swan yesterday.. It was absolutely AMAZING!! Even if you take away from the gorgeously thin girls, and the grace with which they danced, the thing I loved the most was the fact that I could relate with Nina's relentless quest for perfection... to the point of madness. I wouldn't say my quest for perfection has made me mad haha, but not far off :') . I'm definitely going to watch it again... and get the DVD when it's out :]

a simple punishment

So I'm on my second train for the last leg of my journey home from my mum's place, and the train is like, 12 carriages long I think - if not longer, and my platform has a short platform, so wielding my lovely over-filled suitcase, laptop bag, handbag which is armed with cans of diet coke, notepads and cigarrettes - and a split carrier bag with a box of chocolates for Lyn and a tin of roses chocolates for Toby. I got on at the back of the train, and carried my entire arsenal of personal belongings right to the front - needless to say my arms and hands ached a little (slight understatement) but hey - I need strong muscles for dance, so why the heck not! It warmed me up too haha :')

The plan for when I get home - which should be around 10 - is to do atleast 2 hours of ballet conditioning - I don't care how much it hurts. If I can get all that done, and my stuff put away by 1, then I've still got. 5 hours to clean my house before I have to go to workk, and stand behind a till, and put out stock for 4 hours :) lotsssss of calorie burning for mee today :)

Tomorrow I have to get up mega early, for a 6 hour shift at work - and then I'll do another 2 hours of conditioning :) as a treat on sunday, I'll take myself to see black swan, clean the house, and of course, dance. :)

cold, damp, muddy, grey...

Typical english weather, and every bit the reflection of my mood. I sincerely hate being this fat! It seems that no matter what weight I get to, I always look like a fucking hippo! And now that I'm so close to my newly established HW, naturally I feel more disgusted than ever before! I didn't even manage to do my ballet conditioning yesterday, so there's no comfort in my slow progress. I don't care how low I go now, I'm now even going to depend so much on the scales as I will my actual physique. I want to be long, lean, slim, slender, bony, perfect. A model dancer, a perfect student, and the best girlfriend Toby will ever dream of having. He's so good to me, it's only fair that I make it worth his efforts! Needless to say his ex girlfriend with the stunning, firm, toned dancers body was something he adored! And there is no way I'm going to be second best to her!!!

So, so far today, I've had a stomach busting bowl of cornflakes - about 200 cals I'd say... My mum made it for me, so naturally I'm going to estimate a high amount... Who knows what she hid in there!! That leaves me with 400 for the rest of the day... It seems so much yet so little! I think in terms of this modified, strethced out ABC, I'm just going to use the allowances as a guideling - never EVER go over my limit, because that's just unacceptable, but I'm going to strive to eat as little as possible every single day.

The quicker I drop this weight, and flabby body the better! By the latest, I want to be perfect - or as close as possible - by my birthday - the 15th May. I'll be 19, and there's no way I'm entering a new age without my new, desirable body!! 105lbs is the biggest I'll allow myself to be - that's PLENTY of time to drop the weight - currently 33 lbs to go. So there's no excuses as to not being at that weight! Even with the muscle I will have built from doing ballet - hence the longer time period for which to hit my goal.

Riiiightttt, that was a rather long post, and I'm about to get off the train, so I'll update later :) xx